On various occasions last year my friends and I discussed what it is to be a woman, when do you believe you are a woman? Is it when you get your period? Is it when you turn 18? Is it different for each woman? The last one seems to fit most easily, because, despite the phrase quickly becoming cliche, every person (every woman in this case) is different. We all experience things differently despite being products of the same Western society. And that's quite fantastic.
My transition last year wasn't from an unknowing youth to an all-knowing adult - quite the opposite. I arrived at university feeling confident in myself (I thought) and reasonably sure of the person I was in relation to all these new acquaintances. However, after many challenging months in uni accommodation - in wonderful but at times intoxicating proximity to so many adolescents trying desperately to find a substantial part of themselves - my confidence took a nose-dive, albeit a temporary and situational one. At the time I believed it was my own weakness and frailty that was letting me down, that I needed to get a grip. As it turns out, as soon as I left the environment of college (not the people, the people were lovely and I am by no means shitting on college as a whole) and spent a month with my family I felt myself slowly release a year's worth of tension. I began to regain some of the grip I once had on myself and felt my confidence regaining strength. However, as the new year began and I reflected on all that had happened to the world and to me in 2017, I came to understand that I hadn't just lost something and found it again. I had lost it, grown the beginnings of something else and then luckily found the space among my family to get comfortable in the new me. In short, I found a new me that I didn't know had been developing.
So, I begin 2018 knowing myself in a new kind of way, but knowing myself all the same. I think that's all I hope for at the end and beginning of a new run at 12 months of life - to feel at home in my skin. As aforementioned, I feel like this new but not dramatically different me is my version of womanhood. I can't really explain it or define it, and it may slip away before the month is out, but something occurred and now I feel like a woman.
It didn't feel like a strong enough statement for 2018 to just say "I feel like a woman, and now I shall act like one". As discussed, the definition of a woman is so confused and vague. So I decided to analyse what feels different in order for me to feel like a woman and what this year of womanhood means to me at this time. Firstly, I realised that a large part of the transition occurred at times towards the end of the year when I forced myself to come to terms with my faults and failings...and it unexpectedly felt good. I think the reason was that I began to see the incredible value (for me anyway) of measuring myself by my own standards, not those of society. I think this is a hugely important aspect to a new kind of self-awareness. For example, when a woman or girl compares herself to others, the traits that are illuminated are the ones the woman lacks in relation to the other. And obviously it is more beneficial to focus on your positives rather than your negatives - this is well established. However, what I am discovering now is the empowering ability of total self-awareness: looking openly at the good, the bad, the ugly in yourself. The key is to be aware of the whole truth without comparing it to someone else's truth, because it's impossible to know theirs completely. It is terrifying to base an understanding of yourself on self-devised standards and rules, but it is powerful because there is nowhere to hide. After a while of being faced with yourself for long enough, you begin to feel comfort in the uncertainties and flaws and they become less crippling. For the sake of this form of self-development I choose to believe I have free will and the strength to understand myself regardless of society, but I am so aware underneath it all that I can never disconnect from it all, that it is an indeterminable part of my intellect. Conversely, I also think that the concept of society is puzzling, this is well-known. To help sooth my concerns about how it effects my judgement and understanding of myself, I think about how society is made up of several minds equally unable to know the other's truth and perspective of the world. Thus, our efforts to please society - this collection of minds under the false impression that we share the same understanding of what is good and what is bad - and our method of self-realisation through measuring ourselves against a common scale are unsurprisingly fruitless.
So if none of that made sense (it barely makes sense to me) then I will leave you with my recently decide mantra for 2018 based on these confused thoughts, as well as my traditional naming of my year to come.
Last year was the year of the honey badger due to the animal's feisty but beautiful persona and attitude. I believe I wanted to approach the newness of it all with this strength, and felt as though I could. I'm not sure if it ended up being relevant to the whole year, but I think I will take the badger spirit with me throughout the rest of my life because I can't see that attitude ever being a disadvantage.
This year I have decided to live by the words:
Be your own measure. Be unafraid of the whole truth.
And so 2018 shall be the year of being unafraid and thus The Year of the Blue-footed Booby.
It's great, I know. Blue-footed Boobies on the Galapagos Islands are notoriously unafraid of humans - you can walk straight up to them. While it may lead to their extinction because it makes them easy prey, and that's really kind of a stupid survival tactic, I admire their unorthodox and poorly thought out bravery. Embrace the flaws and be brave anyway!
Take a look at this video and tell me you don't see how inspirational they are! Well you follow what feels right for you, but I'm gonna follow their lead ;)
Thanks for reading this hogwash, have year that means something to you everyone, and be your fabulous selves!
Kate x
